The sad part is, this is all true.

Oct 15th, 2021

Jim Retzer

Kids, Don’t Try This At Home.

There was a theory called astral projection.
We developed a theory that if you drank enough and ingested enough recreational drugs, you too, could have an out-of-body experience.
We called it:
ASSHOLE PROJECTION.


It was the winter of 1978–79 in Butler, Pennsylvania. That was a goddamned, perpetual, frozen, whiteout that still makes me shiver to think about. It snowed 10 inches at a time, twice a week for about 3 months. At one point, the temperature didn’t go above 2 degrees for over two weeks. Man, we had us a time!

I guess this starts a couple days before Thanksgiving. That’s when Joey got out of jail. I think that was over child support and they let all the Dads out for a nominal payment and because of the holidays. There were much different and laxer ‘administrative concerns’ in those days.
Joe and I got together for a couple beers and naturally (he’d just gotten out of jail) he wanted to go to Butler to see his girl. OK, why not? It turned out that Jackie, Joey’s girl, was hanging out at Lulu Mae’s house. In reality, Lu ( Louise) was actually what people commonly called her but I found out her middle name was Mae and she was forever Lulu Mae to me.
Jackie, was a kind of willowy, pretty brunette. Petite and very funny. I always liked her. One thing you did notice about her pretty quick was she was more than just a touch cross-eyed. It was kinda jarring. Of course, you didn’t mention such things. That would be too rude. I remember thinking that even Joe, who could be pretty rough at times, never really mentioned it. I gave him credit for that until, watching a football game, one Sunday, he yelled to the kitchen, ‘Hey, Dead-Eye! Bring me a beer.” I almost spit beer all over the place. Joe looked at me and said, “Oh, like you didn’t notice.” Over forty years later and I’m still processing that one.
Lulu Mae was half Irish and half German. She was more than a little ‘biker chick’ in appearance and attitude. Strawberry blonde, bodacious tits for days. Here’s an example of love at first sight. Joe and I had got there at about 3. We were staying for dinner and Lulu was at the kitchen stove. I wandered into the kitchen and asked what she was making to eat. She turned to me and said, “ Yours is already made. All I have to do is pull down my pants.” Alrighty then. For the most part, we stayed in bed until Christmas. Yeah, we must have come up for air at Christmas. I half remember going to my parents for Christmas dinner. I assume we were clothed. LOL, I didn’t ask Mother what she was making.
Of course, I’m exaggerating. There was a whole lot of the flickety-flick as Yossarian’s girl in the green panties would have it but we settled into being a couple. A couple with the same conversations and concerns for the most part.
This kinda typifies the level of conversation. There are dumb jokes that work their way in and thru daily life. For some reason, in that place at that time, “Goin’ to Cleveland.” became one of those jokes. If someone asked where someone was you said, “ Oh, he went to Cleveland.” If some local place came up in conversation, you said, ‘ Oh, that’s in Cleveland” ad nauseam. It was just dumb.
There was a football playoff game and one of the local bars was having a little feed and party for the game. Joe and I had talked about going to watch the game all week. I think we even had to contribute to the potluck. The girls had some baby shower or something at the same time. Usually, they would have tagged along and ignored the game there. Of all the girls with pompoms and team regalia you see, I’ve only known a hand full of women who even understood football or cared one way or another. Dead Eye and Lulu Mae weren’t them.
They weren’t going. Joe and I gathered our things, whatever food we’d made, put really heavy coats on and started to leave. Lulu Mae asked, “ Where are you going?” to which I said, “ We’re going to Cleveland,” and left. Dead-Eye turned to Lulu Mae and said, “ What are they going to Cleveland for?” They had no answer and assumed we’d be back when we got back. Which we were.
So, we settled into the things that couples do. Hanging out, watching TV, screwing, being social and fighting like cats and dogs sometimes.
One thing about being a newcomer in a small town. You have no idea what went on, what’s going on and about 9 times out of 10 no clue what’s likely to happen. These people have known each other all their lives. You haven’t.
There were two bars next to each other. Both more than a little rough. Mill-hand, Biker kinda places. The only floor show on a Friday or Saturday night was usually a couple quarter-round punch-ups and people moved freely between the two. Kino’s and The Harlequin. (let’s stay out of court).
Lulu and I were fighting about something so I was on my own drinking at the Harlequin. I met this girl, Donna Junger. She was pretty. Blonde, maybe 5’5” not built bad. Easy on the eyes. She didn’t have much in the way of a personality or she didn’t waste it on me. My only real interest was she let me fuck her. She wasn’t very good at it or she didn’t waste it on me but it was OK. I shoulda known.
We went out drinkin and fuckin a couple times. Then one night we decided to go to the movies. There were two movies to choose from, “ Manhattan”, Woody Allen which I have yet to see to this day and George Romero’s “Dawn of the Dead”. I wanted to see the WoodyAllen movie. She insisted, in her best bitchy twat tones, we see the head wound fest. Other than being completely grossed out, the only thing I remember about that movie was Romero’s juvenile attempt to equate consumerism with Zombies by using Monroeville Mall. It was gross and idiotic. Romero, as a local boy made good, is lionized in Pittsburgh. I’ve always wondered what could possibly be wrong with the guy. But that’s me.
After the movie, we went to a local bar to round off the evening. I was less than pleased about having seen the movie when I happened to overhear this lovely girl telling her friends she had no idea why I would insist on that kind of movie and how terrible it and apparently, I was. I sat thru our chit-chat while she finished her drink and took her home but didn’t even move to come in and repeat the less than stellar sex. I didn’t bother with her after that. Had someone asked I would have just said, “Geezus” while shaking my head, probably rolling my eyes.
Little did I know.

The following Saturday I ran into a friend of mine who owed me money. In those days who didn’t owe me $5 or $10. He paid me with a hit of windowpane acid which I was willing to accept as legal tender. I was settling in for a “glimpse beyond this illusion” kinda Saturday night. Nothing special. I drove up to Butler and as I parked across from the Harlequin I ate the acid. I figured I’d shoot a little pool, hook up with Joe Boy, do some drinkin, smoke-up some. Average.
So, I was sitting there at the bar, getting off on the windowpane and kinda diggin looking at myself in the mirror behind the bar. Listening to whatever, whoever had played on the jukebox. Donna What’shername came in and sat down next to me. That got me to thinking my first mistake was thinking she wasn’t so dense she didn’t know I had no plans for her. But what the hell. I was just gonna sit there for a while anyway. I could stand the chit-chat which we got about an hour into. Maybe it was 10 minutes in. How would I know? I was trippin.
I was having a shot of rye and a glass of draft. In those days probably Koehler with the umlaut. I was mostly watching the room in the mirror as the acid settled in and half listening to Donna Something. I saw, in the mirror, the door open and Lulu Mae came in. She looked around and marched over, with purpose and nailed the Donna broad with a hard right cross, knocking her to the floor and jumped on her wheeling and dealing with a purpose. I saw this in the mirror with the beer glass halfway to my lips. I took my sip. As the bar exploded with people breaking up the fight at my feet the bartender said to me, “ Aren’t you going to do anything?” with a grin.
About what?
It’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
It turns out this was all high school bullshit between these two broads. I didn’t know that. The only reason Donna was doing me was to stick it to Lulu Mae. What Lulu Mae didn’t know was I was already done. LOL. Stranger in a strange land….doin acid.
So, Lulu Mae left. I was trippin, I didn’t devote much or any thought to where she might have gone. What’shername berated me for a couple minutes about what an asshole I was, I was fairly amused by that and the bartender liked it a lot. My short-term memory was out the windowpane by then. I had some more rye.
Some time goes by, I have a few more drinks. Donna is sitting at a table with a few of her girlfriends jabbering away. I forget about her entirely. I figure Joe is next door and decide to go over and hook up with him. By this time, I’m completely oblivious. Cruising speed plus.
I get up and leave for next door but what I don’t know is Donna Swollen Nose saw me put my coat on and followed me out the door.
I guess I should list the things I didn’t know. I didn’t know Lulu Mae was at Kino’s with her friends and everyone was atwitter about the fight next door. I didn’t know they expected me to make some sort of trouble over that. I didn’t know they thought I’d be coming for Lulu Mae and should be stopped at all costs. I didn’t know Swollen Nose walking in a step behind me would look like we were coming for…. revenge, I guess. I was lookin for a beer. I didn’t even know she was there. Either of them.




I got two steps in the door and was jumped by four guys. I started working on that problem before I had even a chance to be surprised. Have you ever seen one of those all-out brawls at a western saloon? Well, I punched one of these guys and that knocked him back into two guys sitting in a booth. That knocked the one guy into the other guy. They started fighting. Pretty soon everybody was fighting and fussing. Lulu Mae had Donna down, boxing her ears some more. Four guys had me upright holding my arms spread-eagle. Nancy Striding comes up and starts whackin me in the face with a beer bottle. I was kinda enjoyin the whole tableau but that got my attention. I pulled an arm free, grabbed the beer bottle from Nancy, shook it in her face and said, “ If you don’t quit hitting me I’m going to shove this bottle up your twat!” Handed her back the bottle and stretched my arm out again so the guys could grab me. Interestingly enough, I learned, years later that Nancy Striding became one of my ex-wife’s lovers. Small world. I’d hate to have to look at all of it.
These guys got ahold of me, everyone is fighting and here comes Joe, jumping across the pool table and knocking us all down. “Here I Come To Save The Day!”
There were two doors. The front door and one on the alley. I rolled under the pool table to shed my new friends and stood up on the other side by the front door. Joe emerged from a scrum with his new friends by the back door. We nodded and exited.
I ran across the street and jumped in the VW. Here’s something else I didn’t know. Lulu Mae had covered my car with about three dozen eggs. It was probably 5 degrees. Here I am barreling down the alley to snag Joe, frantically reaching out the window to claw enough egg off so I can see.
I got Joe and that was the end of the excitement. We went up the hill to the car wash and sprayed off the frozen eggs. After that we drove back down thru town. As we passed the Bar the cops had maybe a dozen guys cuffin them up. You could see them all gesticulating wildly, “It was them! It was them!”
Yes, it was.