October 12, 2021
Things That Still Make Me Laugh.
All of this happened when we were much younger. I guess all that means is most of this probably wouldn’t happen now. Isn’t that too bad? It doesn’t really suck to get older but the fun quotient does go down. I’d do it again but much slower.
My wife loved to drink and she was hilariously terrible at it. I used to call her Drunko the Demented Dwarf. She was so young when I met her and just, “ Hey! Look at that!” beautiful. Her idea of going out for drinks was going to some club. I broke her of that and introduced her not just to day drinking but beer with breakfast drinking. She says she’ll never forgive me for that. I believe her. It’s an oath taken over bacon and eggs. Obviously, solemn. It was after the night before and she was wearing sunglasses to keep from bleeding to death thru her eyes at 7:30 am. Solemn. Ready for a shot, Honey?
At first, she would try to keep up with me and the results ranged from disappointing to hilarious. I’ve always weighed about 175 lbs. She was like, “ Dude, how can you do that?” I’m like, “Duddette, I’m a foot taller and I got 70 lbs on ya.” ( I swear, I can take the bitch.) I’m not sure where the smart money would be on that.
We went to a field party one time for friends of ours who were getting married. I don’t know who had 14 months in the pool on that marriage, it was the smart bet and just about everyone knew it but it was a cool party. I remember the date. It was October 23rd. Our plan was to dress warm, get hammered and sleep in the back of the truck. The local band for the bonfire and field party was Eugene and the Nightcrawlers. Absolutely great! Tony Tiger GREAT! They still are. Go see em if you get the chance.
The idea was a farm barbecue with a bonfire party lasting into the night. We showed up about 5–5:30. First, we went to the State Store. I bought a fifth of some sort of bourbon. A pint of Quervo and as a joke, I saw a display of MD 20–20 and I bought a quart of that. The idea was to take a few slugs of the bourbon and pass it on like you do with a joint at a concert. That worked out. There were plenty of bottles passing thru the crowd. The Quervo was for me and Lisa to sip on. The 20–20 was to make people laugh, swill and pass on. Those two plans didn’t really work. The first thing that happened was Joe showed up. ( Now, there’s a lifetime of dumb stories.) We ate like pigs. The food was very good. Then Joe and Lisa sat down and killed the tequila in about 15 minutes. Joe had a joint we all smoked but that was about it for him. It was pretty good reefer.
We had put the mattress from our bed, sheets, blankets, pillows and all in the back of the pick-up. Camper cap. There were probably 50–60 vehicles parked in the field by the farmhouse. I told Joe where the truck was and told him to go take his nap, which he did.
So, now it’s full-on dark. The band starts and the bonfire is lit. It was great. Probably piled 20 feet high with flames reaching 30–40 feet. We’re passing joints around and I started the bourbon off into the crowd. Lisa was holding-up pretty good as the ‘healths went round’ then I opened the MD 20–20. A friend of mine came up to me out of the blue and paid me money he had owed me for so long I’d forgotten, by handing me a little Seal Wrap of cocaine. That conversation distracted me to the point I didn’t notice Drunko hadn’t passed the MD 20–20 along but since she’d never had it, decided she liked it and power slammed to whole quart. I coulda told her that was a bad idea but I was busy talking about old times and cocaine.
Knowing it would be a chilly October evening we had dressed warmly. Lisa had on a full, bright-red union suit under her jeans and flannel and sweater. I’d pay to see her in that outfit again but at the time, the union suit was a useful way to keep her upright while I steered her drunk ass to the truck.
It was the week before Halloween so the happy couple had some people in costume going thru the crowd. There was a witch and a gorilla (that’s another dumb story)and a Grim Reaper complete with a scythe. I stumbled the Demented Dwarf to the truck and got her loaded in the front seat.
My genius plan was to line her up some cocaine to bring her back from the MD stumbles. So, I took the rearview mirror down and chopped some of the coke with my driver’s license. I had reservations about doing the coke and about doing the coke with Our Little Lisa. I stopped short of being a full-on coke head a few years earlier but truth be told I didn’t stop by much. (Another long dumb story) I had reservations and while having those reservations and snorting a line the Grim Reaper stopped in front of the truck, which he didn’t know was occupied, raised his skirt and took a piss. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a juxtaposition that outright bizarre. Thirty years later I wonder what that could possibly mean. We burst out in peals of laughter.
My plan did revive my lovely wife and we walked back up to the bonfire but it was just too fuckin cold. We hung out for a bit and decided to risk it and go home. I say risk it because there was just no route home except thru town which had a terrible reputation for handing out DUIs. I was, by any measure, drunk on my ass coke or not.
Well, we made it without any involvement of the authorities. It was still only maybe midnite. I had coffee and she had her tea. About 1 am we decided to go to the local for last call. We’d forgotten about Brother Joe. I opened the tail gate and said, “ Jesus, aren’t you dead yet?” It was freezing. He said, “ No.” and went in, without a word and went to bed in the spare room and we went to the bar.
That whole thing would take about 3 days now and wouldn’t be anywhere near as much fun. It was maybe six hours gone. Gone but not forgotten.
